Cheddar polenta, savory sauteed mushrooms, and tangy green tomatoes and pepperoncini Man, have I been a serious grump this week. I've woken up everyday with a kind of chip on my shoulder- easily agitated, unfocused, irritable. And no, it's not "that time of the month". Sometimes these things just happen, but usually I'm quicker to recognize it and to confront myself about my poor attitude. This week, though, I just kind of stewed in it as if I had no control of the situation, no choice but to be grumpy and miserable. I think a lot of my discontent can be traced back to work. I'm scattered- working on several different projects and developing some new ones. And if you haven't figured this out about me yet, scattered is not my thing. I like lists, objectives, and deadlines- not ambiguity and flip-flopping. It's nearly impossible for me to really get in to something when I have to continually shift gears. And on top of that, I keep finding myself getting sucked into helping other people do their work. Long, hot overnights in El Centro to help a lab mate, going into the lab on a weekend (sacrilege!) to measure leaf traits for some other offshoot project... things I really don't want to do, but feel too guilty to decline. But the thing is, none of that is really an excuse. Just because certain aspects of my life are not ideal at the moment, doesn't mean I just get to throw in the towel and give up on having a good week. Work is not my life. My life has many other facets to it, and they (as well as poor Chris, whom I've been snapping at all week) shouldn't have to suffer just because I'm not really feeling grad school a the moment.
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A rustic hand-cut pasta dish with creamy butternut squash and asaparagus What a week! It started normally enough, but about half-way through it got kicked into high gear. After a long and unexpected day in the field, I had to scramble to redirect my attention to my dissertation proposal. This was followed by a not-so-excellent dissertation committee meeting, then a long day of errands and doing a ridiculous amount of laundry, and now (finally, the good part) hosting a couple of friends from South Carolina this evening. Over the past month or two, I've been maintaining a better balance in how I invest my time and energy. This week was not chaotic by any means, but adding a few unexpected long days and extra task to my to-do list just really threw me off for some reason. I found myself feeling anxious on Friday and started to fall into that "I have so much to do", "that deadline is going to be here before I know it", "how is time moving so fast right now?"- spiral. Moments like that feel as though there's this massive wave swelling in front of me and I'm just standing there watching- waiting for it to hit me. In reality all I need to do is snap out of it and get moving. Sometimes it's hard to recognize that in the moment but I'm glad I didn't let it overtake me. I spent the bulk of yesterday a tad more stressed than I'd like to have, but I've managed to have a pretty nice weekend. And the best part is still yet to come.
A rich, spicy and satisfying Indian curry with fresh, buttery naan That rain we never got has been sitting in the sky, getting heavier and heavier. Southern California is not a humid place by any means- even the most humid of days in Riverside is less humid than an ordinary day on the east coast. But when it's over 100 degrees, that 20% humidity is surprisingly palpable- and it is seriously unpleasant. The hours of 9 am to 8 pm are all but resigned to being indoor hours, which always makes this time of year difficult for me. I'm an outdoor person. There are few afternoon plans that I find more appealing than spending a good six hours out in the garden or going for a nice long hike. Of course, most of the year here is very conducive to outdoor living. All winter long I can camp, hike, and garden to my heart's content- but from roughly June to September I feel stuck. I feel cooped up in the house, frantically trying to squish all outdoor activities into the couple of light hours in the morning and evening that are bearable to leave the house in. With or without the humidity, the summer here is mostly a wash for outdoor things unless we hitch a ride to the coast or the mountains, but at least the dry heat is slightly more comfortable to contend with. So today, with grey clouds once again filling the sky, all I can do is cross my fingers and hope that maybe, just maybe, it will finally rain. The humidity will dissipate, the parched soil will be quenched, and I will sit by the window with a cup of tea, dreamy and nostalgic about rain. Although, it's been so very long since it last rained here that I may just have to go out and stand in it, letting it soak me through.
A vegetarian version of a Vietnamese classic I moved to California shortly after graduating college. I had a bit of money saved up and a place to live, but no job prospects to speak of. But I had a good degree, a spotless academic record, 8 years of solid work experience under my belt, marketable skills... how hard could it possibly be for me to find a job? If you've been unemployed any time since 2008, you're already nodding you're head at me, fully aware of how naive a question like that is. It doesn't matter how qualified you are- these days finding a job is incredibly difficult. So I went through the same monotonous soul-sucking motions as anyone else in that position. For months I spent 6 or 7 hours a day scouring job sites, sending in resume after resume, writing cover letters, taking skills tests. This process is so grinding, so disheartening. I'd send out a hundred resumes in a day sometimes and never hear anything back. So when I did finally get an offer, I jumped on it. So what if it's something I've never done and know very little about? I have loan payments that are going to start coming due next month. I have rent to pay! So I took the job. It was awful. Awful! I was working for peanuts in this lonely office on the other side of town, spending all day long arguing with banks over lost paperwork and unfair denials of loan modifications. If you've ever had to call a bank for any reason whatsoever, you can imagine how truly horrible and infuriating this line of work was. Hold music... talk to a machine for 20 minutes... more hold music... talk to a representative who makes you repeat everything you already told the machine.... get transferred to someone else.... repeat. A month or so later, I started my job hunt again.
Colorful, flavorful, crispy fresh falafel I woke up today feeling tired, despite falling asleep embarrassingly early last night. It took me until lunch to turn myself around, but I still never felt like I really got going. Some days just seem to pass like that. I tend to feel disappointed by days when I just never really feel that present. I try to force it upon myself. Get over it! Snap out of it! But ultimately these days come about because a part of me is tired- physically, mentally, emotionally, or some combination of the three. And I think that rather than feel disappointed or frustrated by these days, I ought to recognize them as a sign that something in me is tired. Something needs rejuvenating, or maybe even just a break. It's 6 pm and I'm just starting to feel settled in myself today. I've been spending a lot of time up in the old head lately. Overwhelmingly it's been for the better. I'm reconnecting with some long lost things that make me feel whole, I'm clarifying and simplifying -like cleaning an attic. But today I woke up feeling overwhelmed by it. I needed to just clear my head space. Reset.
Part of allowing that process to happen is just taking some of the pressure off of myself. Some days aren't going to be full and productive. Some days are just going to be so-so. And that was today, and now I feel better. Crunchy, tangy, and full of flavor The rain never came. It really looked as though it would, but instead it was just uncomfortably humid. Oh well, so much for that... I am happy to report, however, that I did manage to get a respectable amount of work done. And guess what? In the two days since then, I've gotten even more done. Slowly but surely I'm starting to gain some momentum. There are really two major obstacles for me in getting into any good habit- starting and keeping momentum. I always find starting things difficult, largely because I don't like to start anything I don't intend to see through and, to a lesser extent, because I'm a big proponent of trying to start out on the right foot, as they say. So if I think about it for long enough to grasp the full weight of what it will mean to choose to start something, I'm prone to being easily deterred. But with a little planning and a lot of reminding myself that I don't need to do everything all at once, I can get over that hurdle. The second bit is gaining and maintaining momentum. I find that this requires a certain amount of effort and commitment until that point in time where I hit the sweet spot- where said habit becomes just another part of my flow. My qualifying exams turned my flow into something unrecognizable. Most of it's contents were bagged up and tossed into storage like a bunch of old toys that you don't have time to play with anymore. I would start studying by 8 am and stop around 8 pm, putting in only slightly shorter days on the weekends. In retrospect, I'm actually a little amazed I still found the time to take Chaco on our daily hour-long escapades and get dinner on the table more nights than not.
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AuthorHi there! I'm Cara- plant ecologist, gardening addict, and whole foods enthusiast. My whole life revolves around plants, including my kitchen. Join me here at LWM each week as I post local, seasonal, plant-based recipes and write about my never ending quest to find balance and tranquility in this crazy little world. Archives
June 2015
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