I realize I haven't posted in over a month, and trust me, I feel bad about. I've been trying to write this post for weeks. The first time, nothing came out. The second time, a lot came out, and it got a little too real. The third time I wanted to make these bold statements about new changes I'm enforcing in my life and on this blog, but then thought the better of it. I want to promise you a certain frequency, a certain standard- hell, I wanted to promise you weekly meal plans. Similarly I wanted to promise myself this new approach to life, this regimented diet and fitness schedule, all sorts of things. But then, at the same time, I don't want to promise anything. I don't need one more thing to feel obligated to and get anxious over... So this is where I am lately. Stuck in the middle, avoiding any sudden movements for fear of darting in either direction. And truthfully- I'm okay. Certain aspects of life have been stressful and challenging, but overall things have been pretty good. I've been getting a lot more outdoor time, work has been productive, Chris and I have spent more evenings giggling over gigantic glasses of wine and just letting ourselves loose awareness of time and life and things... But I still feel weird almost every day. I know that I'm at this strange place, just standing still. Breaking. Breathing. It feels good and unbearable all at once.
Y'all, things have been weird. I realize I haven't posted in over a month, and trust me, I feel bad about. I've been trying to write this post for weeks. The first time, nothing came out. The second time, a lot came out, and it got a little too real. The third time I wanted to make these bold statements about new changes I'm enforcing in my life and on this blog, but then thought the better of it. I want to promise you a certain frequency, a certain standard- hell, I wanted to promise you weekly meal plans. Similarly I wanted to promise myself this new approach to life, this regimented diet and fitness schedule, all sorts of things. But then, at the same time, I don't want to promise anything. I don't need one more thing to feel obligated to and get anxious over... So this is where I am lately. Stuck in the middle, avoiding any sudden movements for fear of darting in either direction. And truthfully- I'm okay. Certain aspects of life have been stressful and challenging, but overall things have been pretty good. I've been getting a lot more outdoor time, work has been productive, Chris and I have spent more evenings giggling over gigantic glasses of wine and just letting ourselves loose awareness of time and life and things... But I still feel weird almost every day. I know that I'm at this strange place, just standing still. Breaking. Breathing. It feels good and unbearable all at once. In my own ways, I have been trying to find my groove- but a new groove. What I've been doing over the past couple years has been great. My focus and routines have often brought me happiness and comfort and they've helped me grow, but now it's all grown a little stale. There are certain parts of my life that are fixed (grad school, being financially constrained, etc.) and there are certain parts that I want to keep (gardening, cooking, hiking, etc) but there are others that have been long neglected and still others that are entirely new territories, waiting to be explored. And perhaps most importantly, what needs some rejuvenation is my perspective, my priorities, and my approach to embracing it all in a healthy and balanced way. Before I continue, let me say, that this is not my way of telling you that LWM is ending. I don't intend to let this blog slip away, though my interaction with it may change. The thing is, I want to want to post. Whatever changes I'm trying to make in my life right now, are at their core intended to make me feel inspired and passionate about whatever I'm engaging in. And right now, what's most important is letting myself stand still, and breath. To stand so still for so long, that when I finally begin to move, that movement is filled with intention. So far, all I know for sure is that being engulfed in nature is the best way to bring peace and contentment to me heart. To quell any anxiety over the stillness and reassure myself that stillness can be as important as movement, that the failure to move is not actually a failure. But there are a few other things that I'm pretty certain of: (1) life will always be a little funky and weird, (2) nobody knows what they're doing, and that's actually something to take comfort in, and (3) it's almost certainly not nearly as big a deal as you think right now. Such poetic wisdom, huh? But listen, that's all I've got. I am hopeful that a new recipe post is not far away, but I assure you that it won't be here until I'm in love with a recipe, in love with a photo, and ecstatic to share them with you. I hope that's okay by you. In the meantime, I'll be sneaking up to Apple White Campground in the San Bernardino Forest as much as possible to practice standing still.
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AuthorHi there! I'm Cara- plant ecologist, gardening addict, and whole foods enthusiast. My whole life revolves around plants, including my kitchen. Join me here at LWM each week as I post local, seasonal, plant-based recipes and write about my never ending quest to find balance and tranquility in this crazy little world. Archives
June 2015
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